A moving account of one woman’s struggle with childlessness

By Susan Virtanen 

I am from Singapore and I am living in Finland with my Finnish husband. I moved to Finland a week after we got married in Singapore. Nine years of marriage, nine years of living in Finland.

When I read how you and your husband are the only ones without children in your respective families, I cried because it is the same for my husband and I too. He has a younger sister and she has a daughter. I have four older brothers, the oldest brother has two sons and the second oldest has three sons. Among our relatives, we are the only couple without kids.

We do get the usual questions, or should I say, I get the usual questions on when we will have kids, do we like kids, do we want kids etc. It does get tiring being asked the same questions over and over again. I feel I am being questioned over something I have no control over.

When you wrote if God wanted me to have children, I would have them without any problems at all, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have always wanted to be a mother. It does not matter how many children I have, one is more than enough for me. It does affect me greatly when I read news about children being abused or murdered by their own parents. I know I would never lay a finger on a child.

I am slowly accepting the fact that I will never be a mother. It is not easy, especially when Mother’s Day is around the corner. It is a double blow for me as I also could not celebrate the day with my mother in person.

All of my friends, except one, have children of their own. As they move on in another direction with their children, I am left behind. I do keep myself busy with the household responsibilities and hobbies. I am currently unemployed, the job situation in Finland is very bad and we are thankful my husband still has a job.

The future does look bleak at times but I know God is in control. I may not understand his ways and his plans for me but I trust in him.