Amy’s Story: I am not sure how I would have coped without the support of my husband

We are childless because of my infertility. We tried for many years including 3 failed attempts at IVF. Knowing that we are childless because of me was very difficult to deal with and for many years I was in limbo. I felt like a failure and was sure that my husband would leave me since he was as keen as I was to have children. Not only did I hate myself but also the fear I felt, almost drove me to insanity.

Unless you have been through a similar experience, it is very difficult to put it into words. It is a constant feeling that you are a failure not only as a wife but also as a woman. I genuinely hated seeing other women with their young children and dreaded hearing about family members and friends becoming pregnant, which seemed to happen too frequently and effortlessly, at least in my view.

Looking back, I am surprised that my husband stood by me. I was such a mess that I suspect most men would have made a run for it. I was a real nightmare to live with. Many hours of counselling and support from my husband has now helped me move on with life. I cannot say that I have come to terms with not having children, because that wouldn’t be true. Every now and then, I break down, although not as much as I used to.

One of the challenges was to carry on working and pretend that everything was ok. I work in an office and I obviously had to ensure that my private life did not follow me at work. I found that quite a challenge, particularly whenever a work colleague became pregnant. I remember an incident when one of the girls was talking about how she had not planned her pregnancy and how she was seriously thinking about having an abortion. I became physically sick and had to disappear to the toilet. I hated her for it. I mean how stupid of me, now looking back. Most people at work had no clue I was going through all this.

Although I do have the occasional breakdown, our life is far more pleasant than it was while we were still trying. I have come to the realisation that being childless is not so bad after all, particularly when you are in a loving relationship. Frankly, I am not sure how I would have coped without the support of my husband and I am immensely grateful to him for that.

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  1. Hi Amy, thanks for sharing your story and for inspiring other people in similar circumstances. I can relate to the dilemma of going through such a stressful process while trying not to let it affect your work. I had a breakdown at work once, luckily I was on my own in the office at the time. This was after an appointment at the fertility clinic and being told that my procedure (IUI) had to be delayed for yet another month. I suddenly felt the strain of the whole process and could no longer keep it together. I wish you the very best for the future and I am glad to hear that you have discovered that ‘being childless is not so bad after all’.

  2. The support of my wife was very important and made the whole situation much more bearable. So I can relate to what you say about the support you received from your husband and how you couldn’t have done without it.

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