I turned 35 this month, and instead of feeling excited and hopeful about the future, I am living in fear. That’s because, I don’t know what the future holds for me. I was 26 when I was first diagnosed with fibroids. A few years later, the decision was made to have them removed through surgery, 4 months before I was due to get married. Unfortunately for me, in addition to my fibroids, my uterus was also removed. And I only found out two months after the procedure.
I couldn’t stop crying. I wanted to die and begged God to take me away, but of course my wishes did not materialise. On hearing the news, my fiancé was supportive at first. But then, after about 3 months, his mood changed. As it turned out, like most African men, his desire to have a biological child of his own was stronger than his love for me.
Before this sorry saga came about, we were getting along well and were looking forward to our life together as a couple and as parents. We even chose the names that we were going to call our children. All this is now firmly in the past. I am now single and not being able to have children has made it difficult for me to have any meaningful relationship. Men make a run for it, every time I open up about my situation.
As there is no hope of me having a biological child of my own, my only remaining option is to adopt. I now fear that I may remain single for the rest of my life.
To make matters worse, I graduated but have found no employment for the past 6 years. I am emotionally exhausted and cannot see the point of being alive any more.
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My dear sister, I hear your cries. And yes I do fully understand that being childless in Africa is far more of a challenge than it is here in the West.
Whatever you do, promise me that you will not harm yourself in any way. Yes you are going through what can only be described as one of the worst times of your life, and although it may not feel that way to you right now, you are made of far stronger stuff. You can and will survive this and will use this experience to grow as a person and become a role model to other women. It’s not a coincidence that you have reached out to me. By sharing your story with the world, you are already making a difference in the lives of other women, who until they read your story, probably thought that they were alone in their struggles.
I am a strong believer in fate and in the notion that everything that happens to us has a purpose. This experience can become your greatest gift if you want it to be. For that to happen, you need to have courage. Without courage, you will be at the mercy of a culture in which anyone without children is looked down on. Courage allows you to see things clearly and accept your fate. Unless you have courage, you will be too afraid to live your life as God intended you to. As I keep saying, what is yours is yours and no one can ever take it away from you. If you were meant to have children, you would have had them. That you didn’t means that God has other plans for you.
The mistake many people make is to refuse to accept their fate. By doing so, you are in effect telling God that you know better than he does. How can this be? Of course no one knows better than God, which is why once you have tried everything and you reach a point where there is no other way, the only way forward is to accept your path. Once you do so, opportunities start coming your way. If you resist what was meant for you, all you will encounter is obstacles and as a result, you will never know the joys of a peaceful life. In nonparents.com, you have found a community of people just like you. Yes we each have different reasons why we do not have children, but the bottom line is that we are a community of people without children. You are not alone. Your future can be filled with joy, but for that to happen, you need to stop seeing yourself as a victim of life. You are no one’s victim. You are a strong woman capable of achieving great things. As they say, change your mind and change your life. You are what you believe. If you keep seeing yourself as a victim that is what you will remain. If however, you accept that this is your path and that there are great things waiting around the corner for you, then you will be amazed at what you can potentially achieve. May God bless you and show you the way. Feel free to reach out to me at any time.
My dear, I can feel your pains and I sympathize with you. You are not alone, your story is similar with my sister’s. Glad I’m getting ideas on how to be supportive to her and pull her out of her shell. Problem is, she’s shut herself from social network, meeting people etc, tired of repeating the same old story to potential suitors who back off at the end of the day. It’s not the end of life, but another phase of achieving greatness in life by being a motivation to other people out there struggling and dying in silence, too scared of opening up to avoid being mocked or criticized. Keep doing what you know how to do best. There is no limitation in life. Cheers!
As I have written in an article recently, the only realistic way for childless African women to find happiness again, is to marry outside their culture. I cannot see this culture of intolerance towards childless women on the African continent ending any time soon. The good news is that because of the Internet, dating people of a different culture has never been easier. My advice to any woman trying to find love online is to proceed very carefully before getting seriously involved with anyone.