My wife cannot come to terms with the fact that we are unable to have children

29 Jun 2014

The issue: My wife and I have a great relationship and get on really well. We are unable to have children because of my infertility. We tried everything and spent quite a great deal of money on fertility treatments. We made the decision to stop trying after 7 years and decided against adoption because of the sheer bureaucracy. My wife said she was fine with not having children, however every so often she breaks down and I cannot help but feel as though this is all my fault. Although our marriage is quite strong, I sometime fear that she might leave me at some point to try her luck with someone else. The thought of this tears me apart, as I cannot imagine my life without her.

Nina’s answer: Please don’t feel less of a man because you are unable to procreate. There is more to being a man than procreation. We live in a child centric world and for some people not having children excludes them from the mainstream and no one likes to feel like an outsider. Coming to terms with not having children is not an easy process and it can take years, unfortunately, some never come to terms with it. I sincerely hope that that will not be the case for your wife. You have a great relationship and that helps. Having a strong marriage was in great part what helped me come to terms with not having children. Our relationship is based on honesty and we tell each other pretty much everything. You have to be honest with your wife and tell her about your fears and that may be the catalyst for her to start her healing process. When you love someone, the last thing you want is to see them suffer and by telling your wife about your fears, this may open her eyes to the impact that this is having on you and shift the focus from her to you. After all you are the one with the infertility issues and so your pain must be as great if not greater than hers. Failing that, I suggest you seek counselling if you haven’t already. There are many resources online to help you find a counsellor near you and if you live in the UK you can check out the counselling directory website: http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/.