By Nina Steele
The reason why couples do not have children are many and varied and one of the reasons can be that one half of the relationship does not want children. Even though this has not been our case, one can understand the sheer strain that such a decision can have on a relationship. Unless one of the parties comes round to the other’s way of thinking, I see no future for a couple in that situation, or at least not a healthy one.
Even though I was more keen in terms of strength of feelings with the idea of having children than my husband was, at least he didn’t mind having them. I can see how the resentment could have easily set in, had he not wanted children when I obviously wanted them.
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When I first met my partner, he didn’t want children, and at first I didn’t think that it would be a problem to me. However I did indeed start to resent him for it, and I began thinking “how dare he tell me what I can and can’t do in my life”. We had to have a very difficult and honest conversation about it, but we managed to work it out in the end.
I think if you resent your partner for anything, you absolutely shouldn’t be with them, because that makes for an incredibly unhealthy relationship. If you plan to be with somebody for a long time, you need to know that you’re both on the same page and that you want the same thing. If you can’t be sure of this then there isn’t much point in continuing with the relationship - especially when it comes to something as important as children.
Hi Dawn, I do agree with part of your statement that there is no point in being with someone if you resend the person. Resentment is so toxic that letting it fester is not the way to conduct a relationship.
I have broken up with a partner in the past because of the fact that I can’t have children and it was something that he knew that he wanted. If we hadn’t decided to call it a day there and then I know that it would have happened sooner or later, because the issue is just far too big to ever put to one side. Resentment will always appear, and it’s often better to deal with it sooner.
I think you made the right decision. Especially because, in your situation, it isn’t something that you can change your mind over. A couple of partners that I have had resented me and kept asking, but I just said I was never going to change my mind, and if it was a problem then we might as well call it a day. So, we did, and my current partner is absolutely fine with it.