By Nina Steele
The media is full of stories of childless women particularly feeling stigmatised. Among the criticisms levelled at them is that they are selfish and that some of them have put their careers ahead of having children. It seems that men are often not judged as harshly.
Except for a few relatives asking questions such as when my husband and I will be having children, I haven’t had some of the negative comments, even though the intrusion in such a personal matter can leave one feeling frustrated. It is a shame that many people still equate a life well lived with having children, even though it is my view that ultimately whether we live a happy and fulfilled life is up to us as individuals.
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I think it’s wrong for people without children to feel judged, although I have seen a couple of friends go through this and get judged along the way. Having children is, supposedly, our only biological aim in life - however in the modern world there is so much more than that. Unless there is a shortage of babies, which there most certainly is not, then I really don’t see the problem. People should spend more time worrying about their own lives!
Hi Gemma, I agree with your statement that “Having children is supposedly, our only biological aim in life”. Yes it does feel like it most of the time and this is true of most societies. As I said in another post, in some parts of the world, a person’s worth is measured by the number of children they have. This explains why people without children are seen as an oddity. Procreation it seems is a must for everyone with no thought given to the fact that some people might choose a different trajectory than the established one or that some like myself are unable to have children. Ultimately, it is up to the childless to show that there is more to life than having children and they can do so by being more vocal in the same way that people with children are and this is the purpose of this community.
I’m now in my late 40s and my husband is in his early 50s and neither of us has ever wanted children. The problem we find is not so much being judged but feeling left out. This hadn’t used to be a problem but over the years almost all of our friends have had children. Initially it doesn’t seem to make too much difference but by the time the kids are about 10, parents’ lifestyles have changed a lot and so they tend to have different sorts of holidays and do different activities at weekends. I’ve felt as though distance has grown between myself and old friends, simply because you have less in common lifestyle-wise. Also, sometimes I feel a bit bored in groups if a conversation on kid-related topics like schools goes on for too long.
It’s true that having children may have changed the lives of your friends to the extent that they can no longer spend that much time out and about with others, and of course their lifestyles will change because they have children. I also think that people should be more considerate of those who don’t have children when they’re in conversation, because obviously they’re not going to be able to join in, and it just isn’t fair.
The conversation thing can get a bit tricky I have to say. Of course no one is suggesting that friends with children should avoid talking about how their children are progressing etc, however, it is when the conversation goes on and on that it can become a bit tedious. Yes I agree that those with children have to be more considerate of their childless friends and equally those without children also have to be considerate of their friends with children.
Hi Madeleine, yes it can become rather difficult to keep in touch with friends with children, as your priorities are so obviously different. I suppose that ideally people without children will make friends with others in similar circumstances and hopefully this community will act as a catalyst for such friendships.
It is my choice and yes, I do feel judged. Most days, actually, especially with the people who I work with. I don’t like it when that happens because, at the end of the day, I never stop to question the fact that they have had children, so I don’t really see why they think that they have the right to question why I have chosen not to.
I’m a guy and don’t feel judged by outsiders at all. Those that have made me feel judged have been my ex partners. Ex partners who initially didn’t want any children either yet changed their minds a couple of years in. They made me feel inadequate, like I wasn’t normal, yet they said they felt the same as me.
I think if you feel the pull towards having children, it’s hard to understand why other people don’t. And especially if you’re hoping that the other person is the one who you will have children with. But I think it’s good that outsiders don’t tend to judge you - at least you don’t have that to contend with.
I often feel judged and there isn’t even anything that I can do to stop it because it isn’t a situation that I have chosen to be in. People just don’t think that there is anything else that you can do other than have a child - and that is not true in the slightest. People don’t seem to be comfortable with people who choose to live a lifestyle that is even ever so slightly outside of the norm, and I think that this is the problem here.
I totally agree with your last statement that people feel uncomfortable with any lifestyle that does not follow convention and not having children is definitely one of those. It never occurs to some of them that the people in question might not have had a choice in the matter. The bottom line is that people should be left to live their life in peace and not be judged for whatever path they choose to follow.
When I was making my “final decision” I made a list of everything that you can do if you don’t have children, so I know for sure that there are PLENTY of other things that you can do. Although not impossible to travel if you have children, it is a lot easier if you don’t. You can progress more quickly in your career without interruption, can build better relationships with friends and other family members.. so just quote a few of those next time someone makes a comment!
There are times when I do feel judged.
My husband has grown children from a previous marriage. When we get together with family, he is treated like a fellow parent, but I’m treated like “that childless woman”.
If I try to join in a conversation, I get shut down with “Well it’s different when you have children of your own.” Those moments can feel very isolating.
Times must have changed because when I was very little, my grandparents lived in a neighborhood where everyone was friends with each other. One of their friends was a childless couple about the same age as my grandparents. Not having children didn’t seem to make any difference. They were still included and invited to parties and barbecues. I remember seeing them often. Unfortunately in today’s child-centric world, I think they probably would have been left out.
Hi Moonlight73, shame about the unpleasant remarks. I do believe that the more we talk about this, the more likely we are to change people’s attitude about childlessness. One of the reasons why childlessness has become a taboo is because childless people themselves are reluctant to talk about it. This implies that most childless people are ashamed of being childless when in reality this isn’t always the case. Many childless people are getting on with life perfectly fine and it is time for the world to know about it.