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How to bring up the discussion with your partner? (6 replies)

GemmaRowlands
7 years ago
GemmaRowlands 7 years ago

If you do not want children, and have just started a new relationship, how soon is too soon to start talking about children? I would feel hurt if the man I was with dropped it into discussion years down the line, but I would also be a bit creeped out if he said anything on the first date!

What do you think? What is the protocol here?

Nina
7 years ago
Nina 7 years ago

When my husband and I started dating, we knew from the word go that the relationship was serious and that we were in it for the long term and so there was a tacit understanding that children will follow sometime down the line. Obviously we had no idea then that we would end up not having children. Even though we both did want children at the time, I suppose that if a couple realise that their relationship is serious and they both see it as long term, then this is a subject that I believe should be discussed at the earliest possible time. As a fundamental part of any relationship, it will be wrong in my view for one half of the relationship to keep such a serious matter for themselves for too long. Imagine the shock to be told after you have been going out for quite a while that, actually the other person in the relationship does not want children. Anyone in that situation will feel betrayed for sure.

Julez Fitzmond
7 years ago
Julez Fitzmond 7 years ago

It took me far too long to get around to the "telling him" part, and he was very upset by the time I told him, because he'd had a different idea about how our lives were going to be together. However, I am very lucky that he already had children with a previous partner, so I'm not stopping him from having them completely. In fact, knowing that he already had children was one of the main things that encouraged me to date him in the first place.

Lucy
7 years ago
Lucy 7 years ago

This is a subject I'm not particularly looking forward to dropping into casual conversation. I count myself lucky at the moment because I am single and have been since by accident so don't have to worry about it, although I am hoping to get back out there in the next year.

Like Gemma says I don't want to drop the bombshell that I can't have children on a first date, because it is kind of heavy! On the other side I don't want to get months down the line of dating and falling for someone then it all going wrong because of this 'secret' and them feeling differently.

I have thought about online dating and stating on my profile that I don't want children or that I can't have them, depends on what option it gives! Hoping to avoid some of the heartache by having it clearly visible so only those that contact me feel the same.

I have no idea if that will work though, depends on if they read the profile properly. It could be a point that starts a discussion though, which I don't mind. I'd feel more comfortable getting it out there via virtual chat than face to face and if they don't feel the same its done and dusted there and then.

Jack
7 years ago
Jack 7 years ago

I have to tell ladies within the first few dates. It may come across as creepy but I don't want any woman to feel cheated in the relationship by keeping it quiet.

It puts my mind at ease knowing that they know and it basically gives them an opt out clause before anything gets serious. If they are happy to continue then I know that I have been upfront and honest about it all.

eeyorebob
7 years ago
eeyorebob 7 years ago

Tricky one this. I need them to know quite quickly in case they are upset or disappointed and think I have used them/betrayed them. Then again you don't want to bring it up on the first date either!
I've thought about the best way to say it and then just thought well what if we are going to have sex and he asks about protection and I can then say don't worry about it from the baby point of view as I cant have them.

Dawn Kells
7 years ago
Dawn Kells 7 years ago

I'd say that you should do it when things start to get serious, and certainly before you sleep together. Not for the first date conversation, of course, but it's not fair if your partner develops strong feelings for you only to learn that there's absolutely no way forward for the two of you.

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