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Katchoo’s Story: Losing my son has put me off trying for another child

I never seriously thought about having children. My older sister and I were taken from my mother by Social Services when I was three years old and handed to my father on the grounds of neglect. My step-mother wasn’t much cop either because for as long as I can remember, she used to beat me until I eventually left home at 17.

At 23, in an on/off five year relationship, I’d come off the contraceptive injection thinking I still had three months before I had to think about a replacement. Just after a month, I found out I was pregnant with my first child.

My boyfriend at the time was not ready and became really angry. We were going through a “break” at the time. He demanded I have an abortion. I was weak back then and held onto every word he said. So off we went to the clinic. I sat there with the pill in my hand but my instincts told me not to do it. Right there I grew a backbone, I stood up and said to him No, I can’t go through with it.

The following days were torture. He told me I was going to be a single, council estate trash mum. I persevered. Eventually he did come round to the idea of having a child. He became sweeter, more involved and we became stronger. We did move back in together, not for the sake of the baby, but for us.

All was going well until at six months gestation, my baby stopped moving. What followed was awful. Our baby had died.

When all was said and done following my labour and our son’s funeral, we tried to conceive again. Looking back now, I can see that this was out of grief. A year went by and I still hadn’t fallen pregnant, and my boyfriend went back to his old ways. I left him for good.

It has now been five years since Olly’s death. I’ve got a great job in London and have just bought a house with my partner. I don’t want children now or in the future. I have come to terms with what happened but there is no guarantee that the reason why my son died won’t happen again. I wouldn’t want to go through the same experience again.

My partner understands to a certain degree. I’ve told him I don’t want children, that I’m happy it being just the two of us. He often says that I will change my mind, to which I always reply “never”. That’s because a) I feel so strongly and b) I don’t ever want to give him the wrong impression.

He’s a confused soul himself. He can’t stand children screaming and making a nuisance of themselves in public places, and often says he is not sure he wants kids.

I believe we would be a better, stronger couple, without children.

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First Published on November 17, 2015

Childless by choice

Comments

  1. Hi Katchoo,
    Thanks very much for sharing your story. It is good to know that you are in a good place now. Not having children is becoming less of a taboo these days, at least in the West. I wish you and your partner the very best for the future.

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