It takes a village to survive

By Victoria Fryer 

“Who’s going to take care of you when you’re old?” This is a common question we get in response from folks hearing for the first time that we’re childless. In fact, the term “elder orphans” has made its way across the news recently, thanks to a study of the “vulnerable” population.

The kneejerk part of me wants to respond, “Well, since I don’t have kids to feed, clothe, and send to college, I should be able to afford a pretty nice care home.” In reality, though, that’s just not the part I’m worried about.

A couple of weeks ago, a colleague lost her husband unexpectedly. Only in their early fifties, they both thought they had a lot of life ahead of them. After hearing the sad news, I found myself thinking about how lucky she was to have a son and daughter to help her through the coming months of grief and pain.

I don’t have a big family. My grandparents, who raised me, moved around a lot and eventually settled far from their extended relatives. After college, I moved away. The only family I have close by now are my mother and one of my brothers. And I’ve moved around myself just enough to mean that I have very few deep, close friendships. If my husband dies young, what happens then?

Some people would hear this and say that, perhaps, it sounds like a compelling reason to have children. But I disagree, because somewhere inside me, my biology still says, “No thanks.” I do think, however, that maybe I have a greater responsibility to myself to work to develop relationships outside my marriage.

I’ve always (or, at least since I was about 21) believed that relationships characterized by a “you and me against the world” kind of attitude were misguided and shortsighted. But, too often, couples in solid relationships are so comfortable with each other and at home that they let their friendships fall off. When I think about it now, I envision myself in a situation in which I would be completely alone without my husband.

I mean, it’s not as if people wouldn’t be around. I’m sure I’d have fruit salad in the fridge and concerned phone calls, but when it comes to dealing with the kind of grief of losing your life partner, you need deep relationships. People you feel comfortable just sitting and crying with. People who will visit and call even when you’re snappy and say you feel like being alone. People who will not allow you to be alone. How many people in my life do I have like that?

The cliché goes, “It takes a village to raise a child.” I don’t think it stops there. I think it takes a village to survive. My marriage is incredibly important to me—my number one priority. But I’m going to try to remember how much I need my friends and family, too.

Victoria Fryer is a 31-year-old writer and content strategist. She lives in Pennsylvania with her husband and two pit bulls. You can find her on Twitter @extoria.