Holden C’s Story: Being childless means not passing my defective genes on to the next generation

I will turn 27 years old in June 2014. I am a high-functioning autistic who has not been in a relationship for almost seven years. It’s not for lack of trying, if anything, it’s trying too hard. Perhaps I come across as desperate, which I know shouldn’t happen. I’m also of the opinion that due to the empathy issues associated with it, perhaps I can’t love myself until I can learn to love somebody else.

However, one of the good things about being a HFA is that I realized very early on that I was not ready for kids. I barely have enough interest in making myself dinner on a daily basis. Call me lazy, call me crazy, whatever. But unlike a lot of people, particularly some who already “are” parents, I like to think that I know it wouldn’t work out. I don’t have the patience nor the money and quite honestly, I must ask one question: who would want to have children with me? I can’t even get a woman to date me, let alone marry me. I’ve already accepted that I will probably die alone and childless. But I can live with that. I already am living with worse.

So I figure if it happens, it happens. But I’m pretty stubborn (or stubbornly passive, if you will) on the kids issue. My parents don’t care one way or the other whether I have children or not. And to tell you the truth, I’d rather my defective genes die with me. I already go through a lot in my personal life. It’d be too much to ask a child to go through that as well.

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First published on April 11, 2014

Autism and childlessness


  1. Hi Holden C. Thanks for sharing your story. One of the reasons behind is to inspire people who are struggling with the issue of childlessness through stories such as yours. Although some of the stories have similarities, overall, each story is unique as yours show. You come across as a strong person, considering the trials and tribulations of your daily life. Life throws us many challenges and ultimately, it is up to us how we deal with them. Your story shows how we all have to somehow find a way of living with whatever card with have been handed, particularly if we have no way of changing it. It is either that or living in despair daily, which I am sure many will agree has to be far worse.

  2. I agree with Nina that you come across as a strong person. I hope you do find someone eventually.

  3. This is the perfect platform for meeting other people in similar circumstances and I hope that many friendships and relationships will be forged as the community grows.

  4. HoldenCWannabe says

    I don’t feel strong most days. I also forgot to mention that what I want to do with my life involves a lot of traveling, so I’d anticipate being away a lot.

    • Have you already decided which countries you intend to visit? We too intend to do a lot of travelling and the far east is at the top of our list. With regards to not feeling strong most days, I think we all try our best and with the many challenges that life throws at us, staying strong all the time can be a tall order.

  5. HoldenCWannabe says

    I want to be a professional entertainer, so it would be domestic travel as well as international (and hopefully, enough people understand that Holden C is a pseudonym, because I’m too embarrassed to use my real name). I also lost my mother a few weeks ago, so there’s a sense of loss that I’ll never get back. Also, for the record, I’m not a Christian, but I am a semi-practicing Buddhist. There’s a certain fatalism involved with this mindset. Therefore, forgive me if I offend, but if God does have a plan for everyone, what if mine is to be alone for the rest of my life? Is that a plan worth following?

    • I am deeply sorry about the passing of your mother and offer you my heartfelt condolences. May she rests in peace. My thoughts and prayers are with you at this very difficult time. Life can become unbearable sometimes and as you and I know, nothing last for ever. I am not a Christian either and practice spirituality, which it is fair to say, is interchangeable with Buddhism. You are not alone, you have the love and support of this community. I hope you realise your dream of becoming a professional entertainer and look forward to hearing more about your plans on this.

    • I am sorry to hear of your loss and send you my sincere condolences.

  6. HoldenCWannabe says

    I don’t expect any woman to want children with me- I’m too high-maintenance on my own. Trust me, I’d like to think I know my limitations pretty well. I have no confidence when it comes to talking to women- I have successfully asked a woman out on a “date” once, and it didn’t happen until I was 25 years old. Both of my previous relationships, I was the one who was asked. Part of me wonders if that’s the only way I will be in a relationship again.

    I appreciate the kind words from everybody, but living with what I live with, I don’t see it. I do write, but a lot of it is the same melancholy tone that I’m portraying now. My life is melancholia, or at least it feels that way.

    • Many successful people including writers and artists often derive their creativity from the pain they suffered in their life. Many classic songs that we know and love are from the same source. Pain can be turned into a creative force and be a source of inspiration for many people going through similar experiences.

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