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The deep love that I have for my nephews has helped heal the pain of childlessness

By Civilla Morgan 

Civilla Morgan

Civilla Morgan

When I was much younger, I made a plan: I would get married at 25 and then wait a year or two before having a baby. But that’s not quite what happened. What happened was I set out on an 11-year battle with fibroids as I attempted to buy time waiting to meet Mr. Right. I did not want to have to raise a child on my own. So, to buy time over that decade, I had three myomectomies–fibroid removal surgeries. Then as things got worse and Mr. Right never showed, I had what I call my final surgery. I had a hysterectomy in 2011.

To add insult to injury, there were complications after the surgery, which extended my hospital stay. I had to remain strong during that time so that I did not live the rest of my life in subpar health due to the mistakes of hospital staff. I can only hope those that caused my complications went into another line of work since patient care was not their forte. In every line of work there are horrible actors and there are the good ones who make up for the bad ones. I met both. But I digress!

In my early 20’s, my brother and his wife had their first child. I fell in love! My biggest issue was, ‘it’s a boy! I know nothing about boy’s clothing. Boys clothes are BORING!’ But I gathered myself and decided that I was so in love with him, I would figure out how to shop for boy’s clothes and toys. Four years later, my second nephew was born. By then, I had the boy clothes shopping down to a science. I was actually beginning to like it. Yes, I would take a sneak peek at the pretty frilly girl clothes, but I was there for boy stuff, and of course I fell in love with my second nephew as well. It was also around that time that I started going to the OB/Gyn doctor to see what was going on. The beginning of that 11-year battle.

A few years later, my third nephew was born. Yes, I was in love once again. I was now buying clothes and toys at least six times per year. Birthdays and Christmas were definitely fun times for me in the boy’s section of my favorite department stores. And I loved the opportunity to go shopping for these people. I called them my Three Musketeers. They were and are the loves of my life.

At one point I did meet someone. We dated for two and half years before he advised me he had no intentions of ‘getting married again.’ So I dumped him post haste. I was broken hearted, but to this day I stand by my decision. No, the answer is no. For those of you who wonder if I scared men away with my desperation. I had no desperation. In fact, maybe it was the opposite of desperation. i.e. nonchalance?

Internally, I remained hopeful, having one, and then two, and then three myomectomies. I even had a ‘non-invasive’ surgery where a robot was used. Instead of the bikini cut, the robot poked four holes into my belly and also went in through my bellybutton. The unfortunate thing with that surgery was that after four hours, they brought me back out only to tell me they never did get to the fibroids. They had spent four hours muddling through scar tissue. I believe of all the surgeries, that was the most depressing one. That was when it became a reality that my dreams of having a baby would probably not be taking place. I considered IVF—invitro fertilization and I considered adoption, but the fact was, I just could not imagine purposely raising a child by myself.

I used to look back and wonder if I made the right decision. I wondered if I could have raised a baby on my own. I don’t look back anymore. Looking back keeps me from looking forward. And life is too short to look back. If I kept looking back, I could turn around one day and realize there was nothing to look forward to. I would have come to the end of my life, and found I dwelled on what did not happen. That was not the way I wanted to live the rest of my life. I wanted to live my best, most relevant, and joyful life ever.

It was a journey to get from that thought to where I am now. And honestly, I still have my moments. Like the waves of the ocean that come and go. But when you know deep down that you want to live a good, positive life, like the ocean waves; the moments may come but they will also go. I do not allow the feelings of negativity and sadness to stick around!

And I wanted other childless not by choice women who like myself really had no one to talk to, to realize they too could come out from inside themselves. They could take control of their hurting hearts and realize they could live whatever life they wanted. They did not have to live anyone else’s life. They really could have a schedule where if they wanted to sit home and do nothing, no one would be allowed to make them feel guilty.

I wanted childless not by choice women to feel empowered in a world where we are generally misunderstood, judged, ignored, or shamed. Shamed into feeling we should be over our sadness in a timely fashion. Ignored because we do not ‘know what it feels like to be a mother.’ Judged because we must have done something to cause our childlessness. And misunderstood because we asked how your kids were doing; and you felt like we wanted your babies or were jealous because you had babies and we do not.

Today, four years after my 11-year battle came to an end, the waves of sadness no longer rule my life.

Yes, the sadness of childlessness, an unfulfilled dream, an unfulfilled expectation, are real feelings that may never completely go away. But I have made it my mission to help childless not by choice women worldwide, to take control. I want them to know how beautiful, whole, and worthy, they are, with or without children.

Civilla Morgan is the founder of www.civillamorgan.com. A website for childless not by choice women.

Civilla Morgan

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