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Matt’s Story: I worried about the impact of having a child on our marriage

My wife was for a time keen on having children, we found though that I was infertile and although we tried fertility treatment, we abandoned it after some years.  I myself have been ambivalent on the matter. I questioned whether I would make a good father. I have still got my own issues to sort out! 

I wondered whether the good parts of having a child do actually outweigh the bad parts. I think raising a child these days seems far more challenging. You are expected to have to be very much involved in everything they do. Back in my childhood we were largely left to make our own entertainment and make our own way to places.  I had to save or wait a long time for anything. I believe that’s the way it should be. Also, if the child wasn’t my biological child it would surely take away some aspects of being a father. Above all, my wife and I have a very good long standing relationship, and I also worried that having a child might damage that. Having said that, I did plan a strategy for having a child and how I would be a father to a boy or a girl.

One of my concerns now is what will happen towards the end of our lives, and how one of us could end up very alone. But then again having a child far from guarantees that old age will be anything but lonely. My other concern is  whether my wife will regret not having children at some later stage. If I had been fertile then we would very likely have had children.

I have many interests and have a fulfilling life overall. I hope to change my career soon to something I enjoy more and that would have been more difficult if we had children.

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Comments

  1. Hi Matt,
    Thanks for sharing your story. I know that it is not always easy to open up on such difficult issues, however this is the purpose of this platform and so hopefully you will find other stories helpful as I am sure others will find yours helpful.

    Nina

  2. GemmaRowlands says

    Thanks for sharing your story. I am sorry that you didn’t manage to have children, and that you sometimes worry about your later life, however you should remember that you will always have your family and friends to support you. Not everybody has children, and even if they do they may not be in the same part of the world anyway; there are no guarantees. But you have everybody around you, and this should help you to live life to the full.

  3. Julez Fitzmond says

    Don’t worry about later life – you will have friends and family to help you if you need them, and as long as we have our friends we are never truly alone anyway! I am sorry that you didn’t manage to have children, but it does sound as though you were having doubts anyway, which means that having children might not have been something that you would have automatically chosen. They say that things usually work out for the best, at least.

  4. Fair play to you Matt for being honest and sharing your story.

    Matt I decided a long time ago that I didn’t want children due not being father material. I’ve never thought I would be a good father and still don’t, I didn’t want any child to have to have me as their role model. I’m not wacky or a complete nutter, I’m just not the nurturing type.

    It sounds like you have many interests and options in life. I’m sure you will find your path into old age just as I will. It doesn’t have to be lonely just because there are no children involved, it’s what you make of it.

    • Julez Fitzmond says

      Jack, I am sure that you would have coped with it just fine if you had been faced with the challenge, although I do admire you for making the choice to stick to your guns and not just go along with the pressure of having to have children. Life IS what you make of it, that is correct, and we all have the ability to make our lives great.

  5. A lot of people worry about how they would react to parenthood when it happened to them, but I am certain that you would have been fine. I’m sorry for your partner that the fertility treatment didn’t work, because that would have been hard to deal with, however I am sure that the two of you are strong enough to work together through it.

    • Julez Fitzmond says

      Being a strong couple is vital when you’re in this kind of situation, but if they have stuck together so far then I am sure that they will be able to do so in the future. It is great that they have each other, as it means that they don’t have to cope with what they’re going through alone.

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